Oro’s and Jirai’s daily interactions
by blue leafy
Summary: Chapter 6: Alternate Reality ::in this alternate reality series:: Chapter 5: The Fetish Issue ::in which it is best for Jiraiya's well being if Orochimaru would stop being overdramatic or so says the Frog Hermit but then, when did Snakey care anyway?::
1. Combing

Title: Oro's and Jirai's daily interaction.

Disclaimer where I shall tell you that I do not own the anime and manga of Naruto:

I do not own Naruto, end of story.

Warnings: Humor and threats and more humor and since you know this is humor, please do not take the content seriously. If this fan fiction displeases you in any way or form, please do not sue because this is just purely fictional.

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Orochimaru was brushing his hair.

Jiraiya who had stumbled on this sight blinked his wide eyes once and twice, rubbed them thoroughly and stared at the scene again.

"Y…you are b…br...brushing your hair." He stuttered, feeling incredulous.

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. I am brushing my hair" He confirmed.

"Y…you are Brushing your hair" Jiraiya repeated dumbly.

"Yes, I would be aware of what I am doing, wouldn't I?" Orochimaru answered in a tone similar to one a parent would use when explaining something to a child.

"Y…you are BRUSHING your hair!" The emphasis was clearly on the 'brushing' part.

"And what is wrong with my brushing of hair? Normal people are known to want to keep their hair in a decent state of tidiness. Although I know you do not adhere to such, with your unruly bunch of straw for hair that leaves much to be desired, there is no need to patronize one who practices normalcy!" Orochimaru finally snapped. He was not known for his patience and pleasant words.

"Uh…it's just that it is so girly. Guys only comb but girls BRUSH." Came Jiraiya's intelligent reply.

"…and if you had wished so badly for castration, why don't you just say so?" Orochimaru sweetly asked.

"See? Even your threats are feminine. Only a GIRL would say something like that."

Jiraiya finds that he would not be able to ask what training Orochimaru did to increase his speed or what conditioner he uses to keep his hair shiny and soft-looking as he is too busy protecting his potency by escaping the clutches of a furious Orochimaru who had a butcher knife in his hands.

…How on earth did he get one in the first place?

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The fin-line divider is made up of many snake eyes. Stare and be petrified…

Author's note: I really want this fiction to be shonen-ai with the pairing Orochimaru and Jiraiya together but I came up with this. Still I hope it let you readers have a good laugh, or at least feel amused andmake your day seem brighter.(smiles)

Aside note. I am searching for stories containing the pairings, Orochimaru X Jiraiya and I would really appreciate it if anybody tells me where to find them.

Please read and review this fan fiction too.


	2. Bath Towel

**Chapter 2: Bath Towel**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Naruto? Hmmmm…I think the answer is no. Really, I do not own Naruto…at least I think I do not…**

**Warning: out of character…very out of character. It is kind of in an alternate setting too.**

**Extra information for this story: Let us just say Jiraiya is housing with Orochimaru due to some reason that even the author does not know of. Maybe his house burnt down? **

**This story is in an alternate setting. Jiraiya is not traveling, Orochimaru is not as evil and they are housemates. **

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Orochimaru pondered for a long while.

Should he wrap a large towel around his chest and let it drape over his body to his knees just like usual or should he use a smaller one which can only cover his hips to half of his thighs.

Some habits would have to be changed unless he fancied being called a girl again by that irritating new housemate of his, which he does not. It just has to be his luck to be bathing when Jiraiya came home from whatever work he does, earlier than usual.

Orochimaru sniffed because snorting is way beneath him. Does Jiraiya even have work, he wondered. The thoughts lasted for a moment before he returned to his current task of choosing his coverage.

Maybe this time…maybe. He made his decision and wrapped the towel around his hips in a swift movement. Orochimaru swung open the bathroom door and stepped out into the judging world that was Jiraiya's eyes. As Jiraiya raked his eyes down his frame, Orochimaru felt extremely exposed.

On the other hand, maybe he should have stuck to what he usually does. At least he would have some measure of comfort, unlike the present.

Then Jiraiya whistled. "I'd thought a guy like you would come out of the shower with a towel around the chest, just like a girl but I guessed wrong, didn't I?"

"…I refuse to answer to such a stupid assumption." Orochimaru haughtily said before turning on his heels and walking to his rooms.

Unknown to Jiraiya, Orochimaru was silently congratulating himself on a decision well made.

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**Author's note: Actually this is the third story written for this story but due to some unfathomable reason, I feel that it is more suitable to be the second one so here it is.**

**The world needs more humor fiction and stories starring Jiraiya and not-really-evil Orochimaru thus it is my duty to bring to you more stories based on the above criteria. May they induce giggles in front of the computer that makes people look at you weirdly.**

**Read and review please.**


	3. Pets Problems

**Title: Pets troubles**

**Warnings: OOC, out-of –character, no relevance with the Naruto timeline (like the first two chapters) and hopefully, humour.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

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"JIRAIYA!" the screech resounded throughout the apartment. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SNAKES!"

The white-haired book writer sighed and stood up from his perverted-writing-inspiring perch to lumber to the door and go find out what the prissy princess was screeching about. He found that he need not go far for as soon as he took a step forward, his bedroom door was slammed open and a furious and almost hyperventilating Orochimaru stalked up to him.

He looked down. Orochimaru glared up at him before waving two snakes under his nose and screeched again. This time the screech blasted through Jiraiya's eardrums because it was delivered at a close range.

"LOOK AT THEM! THEY ARE IN KNOTS! FRIGGIN' KNOTS! THEY COULD HAVE DIED! YOU…you SADISTIC BASTARD!"

Jiraiya would have raised an eyebrow at the term Orochimaru used to call him, it being something that reminded him of the idiom involving a black pot and a black kettle, if he was not so busy squeezing his eyes shut and plugging his ears to preventblood-vessels-bursting from being at close proximity to something akin to a radio that was adjusted to the loudest volume.

Suddenly, there was silence. Jiraiya opened his eyes and looked at the pale face of his apartment-mate and teammate, to find himself intercepting a sword that was swung in his direction. After a few minutes of dodging and some hair-raising close calls to losing his potency, (Orochimaru seems to have developed a penchant to targeting THAT place) Jiraiya managed to capture and hold the sword, which liked him castrated, in his custody.

Another few minutes was spent on catching breaths for both sides. Being the one with more stamina, Jiraiya recovered his breath faster and was privy to the first word uttered, which he did.

"What did I do anyway?"

Orochimaru raised his head, which was previously bowed for panting purposes, to look at Jiraiya in the eyes, stabbed a finger in the direction of a pile of what looked like two tangled snakes with swirled eyes instead of their usual piercing ones and made the stabbing motion again for good measure before gritting out in a restrained voice.

"See this? Does this look familiar?"

Jiraiya jostled his memory and remembered. It was his work. After all, nobody could tie such magnificent knots like he could as they do not know bondage like he did- he was the notorious writer of Itcha Itcha Paradise which was rated as the top five perverted novels in the Konoha Magazine.

Oh, he could go on and on about his wonderful novels, about how they were so good that they were even made into movies, how statistics had shown that about one fifth of the Konoha population owned the novels and how he was receiving fan letters from even people outside of Konoha or so says his manager.

He would actually go on and on about them if it were not for the fact that Orochimaru was still spotting a murderous expression on his face which was unlike his typical evil expression. Evil was alright because it was Orochimaru's nature but murderous was not, even if it was sometimes part of Orochimaru's character, because it usually meant that Jiraiya's potency was if danger. With that in mind, Jiraiya veered his thoughts back to the topic and gave his answer in a placating tone.

"I…see…but it is not my fault. They were trying to eat my toad."

"Who asked your toad to cross them in the first place!"

"Hey! It was just harmlessly hopping along and minding its own business when your snakes tried to make it their lunch!"

Orochimaru sneered. "For your information, snakes are cold-blooded so they sleep during the day and would not wake up until something disturbs them. Also, if you had known that snakes eat toads, why did you even have one here in the first place?"

Jiraiya frowned. "I like toads just as you like snakes. It would be unfair of you to tell me not to keep them."

"It is my house." Orochimaru stated.

"We are teammates."

"When have I been team-oriented?"

"I offered to pay rent but you refused even though you knew I could afford it."

"I did not, and still do not,want to take money from the likes of you."

Jiraiya hesitated in his reply. He would have asked why Orochimaru agreed to take him in but not asking said question was a condition that Orochimaru had stated to allow him his stay and he did not really want to be kicked out so he decided to change the topic back to the pet problem.

"We could come up with a compromise."

"My snakes are still having the free reign of the house."

Jiraiya sighed. "My toad will stay in my room?"

"Alright. It is a deal."

"Are there anything more, princess?"

The sword that Jiraiya was holding in his hands suddenly disappeared and reappeared with its sharp tip nudging between his thighs. An instant analysis of the situation showed that there was no time to sweat out beads of perspiration so Jiraiya awaken his shinobi reflexes, stilled his lower body and rapidly made a few hand seals. In the next moment, he was gone from his room with a puff of smoke in his place-a remnant of a teleportation jutsu.

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**Author's notes: Compared to the first two chapters, this is just a drabble. Next, you would be wondering, how this chapter with more words, could be a drabble whereas the first two, which are shorter, are considered to actual stories (for me anyway). Well, I had the first two thoroughly planned out before writing them but this was only based on the ideas of both having pets, which are predator and prey.**

**The top and bottom parts are written on separate days.**

**(If you look carefully, you can spot a little shonen-ai going on. At least, I did.)**

**Anyway, may you have a giggle after reading this and the usual stuff that makes people look at you weirdly.**

**Also, read and review please.**


	4. Anko on Oro

**Title: Anko on our dear Oro or Being described as, um, "elegant" might not always be a good thing, especially if it causes sneezing.**

**Warnings: OOC, out-of –character, no relevance with the Naruto timeline (like the first three chapters) and hopefully, humour.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

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Orochimaru-sensei was always elegant, poles apart from Anko's personality. His movements were swift and deadly but beautifully fluid and when he fought, it would seem as if he was engaging his opponent in a dance duel, which he would be winning hands down.

Anko…Anko, on the other hand, was tomboyish. Her actions were always a tad jerky and awkward; her attacks would leave a mess and on the occasion, she would trip and fall over her own feet. How terrible at being a girl she was. Whereas Orochimaru-sensei was what every woman could wish to be-confident, smooth and possessing of a deadly grace. Orochimaru-sensei could even consume oily Chinese food without getting the oil all over the place or even need to worry about developing a belly. He was that perfect! He…and he could clean his mouth with just a dainty sweep and dab of a tissue while people like Anko need to lap all over her lips before wiping at them clumsily! 

Anko took another swing of her beer as her rant slowed.

"Orochimaru-sama, hic, is really like, hic, flawless. I really want to be like him. Hic. Not that I want to be insane like him but, you get, hic, the idea…he was the ideal woman." She smiled bitterly and added "I am totally envious of him."

The white-haired stranger nodded understandingly and took down notes as the red line that went down on both of his cheeks, twitched in barely contained amusement. Meanwhile, somewhere in a certain apartment, Orochimaru sneezed onto his snakes.

Fin.

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Author's notes: This is something I did a long time ago and something I think I had promised to myself to add to "Oro's and Jirai's daily interaction" but totally forgot about it. Well, here it is and hope you like. Also, the dividers are actually two-headed snakes.

"Laughter is something you have to have every single day, if not for emotional stability then for sanity." Or so blue leafy tries to convince you.

Read and review please.


	5. The Fetish Issue

**Title: The Fetish Issue**

**Warnings: OOC (out-of –character), no relevance with the Naruto timeline (like the first three chapters), AU (alternate universe) and hopefully, humour.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Toruna, Ru, To, Na or anything that makes up a part of Naruto. **

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Orochimaru had been perfectly able to ignore the stench which had been coming from Jiraiya's room for quite a few days but it seems that his teammate was not a considerate person. The stench not only stayed, it got skunk-type worse. Some of his snakes have particularly sensitive olfactory senses and his nose is of similar matter (No Voldemort references here). There is only a limit to his tolerance, even as a shinobi. Furthermore, he is the tenant and in the case of displeasure, he has more than enough rights to be the perpetrator rather than the victim. Also, he really did not need to lose his sense of smell just to prove that he is a hardy shinobi. He has no self-esteem problems and that was more of Jiraiya's style.

So a-knocking Orochimaru went to Jiraiya's door and a few seconds of no-reply later, he abandoned all pretenses of caring for Jiraiya's privacy and such amazing shows of respect and tried the knob. The door held steady in its state of rest. Unfortunately, locked doors do not act as that great a deterrent to Orochimaru, especially when they threaten to tilt his ability of smell in favor of stench than scent. He would make sure that it would come out of Jiraiya's vast pocket anyway. That was a not-so-poor author for you.

Orochimaru's first mistake was to shred the door into planks of wood. His second mistake was to breathe after doing so. His third mistake was to open his eyes after he had shut them as an instinctual reaction to the sight of the ominous miasma. Instincts: never ignore them because they prevent trauma and preserve you.

Upon closing his eyes, he should have backed away, do the "retreat and plan" that shinobi does when something went wrong in a mission. He could have exhaled when the door became firewood. He should have anticipated the unanticipated when approaching the door and the unpredictable perverted occupant of the room. Regrets: you always have them when it is too late.

Musk with hints of ammonia and iron invaded his nose as his watery eyes surveyed the toxic room before him. Lingerie was strewn all over the furniture and floor. The room's occupant lay on a pile in a seemingly blessed daze. That made up the most disgusting and disturbing scene in his life Orochimaru would admit reluctantly to seeing, if he was ever under interrogation, "reluctantly" because it was the truth.

A few swift hand seals later, the room was ablaze. Wood, paper and cloth were oh so flammable. There was a containment seal on the room to prevent the fire from spreading to other parts of the house. After all, only the room and its occupant needed sterilizing.

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"WERE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"Think back on your actions and tell me you did not deserve it." Orochimaru coldly said and crossed his arms.

Jiraiya went quiet.

"I never knew you to be the sick one. I thought that was my job in the team." He commented, sounding almost disappointed.

"I wasn't really…I just wanted to see the attraction."

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow but allowed Jiraiya to continue.

"You see, it is for my latest edition of Itcha Itcha Paradise. I need to get inside the heads of some of the newest characters."

"Oh? One of your characters is an underwear thief then? Give me one good reason for not turning you to the Uchihas."

"Hey, I suffered, you know. It isn't easy to sit within piles of underwear and actually growing the piles. The smell is overwhelming. I guess this fetish isn't for me." Jiraiya sighed mournfully.

Orochimaru turned, decided to leave Jiraiya to his musings. It was actually a relief to find that his teammate was an idiot who had endured the whole event just to prove his own perverted nature rather than out of enjoyment. It righted the world again.

"But stealing them was sort of fun…"

Then again, he should just do the world good by ridding it of one perverted underwear thief.

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**  
Author's notes: Well well well, long time no see.  
**

**Readers' note: a crate of rotten tomatoes signed "That should be our words."**

**  
Author's notes: Opps. **

**  
Readers' notes: "You should be ashamed", continues the message on the crate of rotten tomatoes**

**Author's notes: To my defense, I posted…ANYWAY, hope you enjoy this chapter and look to your left, isn't that someone you know? (slinks off to waddle in the Detective Conan fandom fan fiction)**

**REAL Author notes: Most of the Uchiha family members make up the police force and since this is AU, they are still around and catching criminals. **

**Jiraiya was found in a "seemingly blessed daze" because he was knocked out by the stench. **

**There is no real plot yet and maybe there would not be one or maybe there would be but it is a long time away. What is up with this chapter, you ask? Well, perverts remind me of Happosai from Ranma 1/2 and I could not help incorporating it here so here it is. ;**

**Read and review please.**


	6. Alternate Reality

**Chapter 6: Alternate Reality**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Hell I do not even know what is going on after the starting of Sai arc due to apex laziness to downloading the tens of manga chapters. **

**Warning: out of character…very out of character. Hints of alternative relationship and a very blatant alternate setting.**

**Extra information for this story: Let us just say Jiraiya is housing with Orochimaru due to some reason that even the author does not know of. Maybe his house burnt down? This story is in an alternate setting. Jiraiya is not traveling, Orochimaru is not as evil and they are housemates. **

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Sometimes, Orochimaru dreams. He dreams a world of power, darkness and pleasure. He dreams half remembered scenes of blood, bodies and accusing faces of children that seems vaguely familiar. When he awoke to the filtered sunlight that warmed his naturally cool skin, he feels as if he had left the real world behind. His heart thumps steadily and resoundingly, laden with unknown regret and perhaps a tinge of fear. In his dream world, there were wonderful chaos and powerful intent. Every event was in his palm, to behold and control and eternity was his to enjoy.

In his dream world, he had pursued his forbidden ambition but in his dream world, he had forfeited a life of peace, his teacher's life, his more than acquaintance but really not friends' trust and…Jiraiya.

-Fin.-

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**Author's note: Don't you love this kind of stuff? A kinder reality because villains need their day off and Orochimaru found his (and many indeed) in an alternate universe. **

**I admit to epic laziness. This was not written recently but was something complete and lodged in between gathering dust ideas. Ah well, till next time. **

**Read and review please.**


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